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How can it seem like yesterday and then seem so very long ago at the same time? Jeff's birth that is.

How I loved seeing Doug and Jeff together -- at any time of their lives -- especially moments of tenderness.  Doug was so sweet with Jeff especially when they were younger but even as they got older...Jeff with Kate and Doug ...Jeff tossing the lacrosse ball to Doug...And the two of them playing on the lacrosse field and my watching them play together. That was so incredible a feeling. I remember calling Jim's mother on the way home from that game and telling her what a thrill it was to hear the announcer say "a goal from Milano-Johnson with an assist from Milano-Johnson".

I so wonder what your life would be like right now Jeff at age 24.  Would you be shorter or taller or around the same height as Doug? Would you have facial hair of any kind? Where would you be working or would you still be in school? Would you have played lacrosse in college? I can't imagine you not doing that.  Would you be living close to Doug? close to me?

I feel so cheated when I think of the years we could have had together -- you could have had on this earth...

I miss you so. I love you so -- more than a thousand universes - more than infinity.        

PS

I remember Helen's message on the answering machine the day Jeff died.  I think it was Helen...maybe it wasn't.  It was something about "not being able to wrap my head around...the circumstances that had taken place."  I find myself again in that same situation...something happens and my mind tries to understand what is occurring but it can't. So it is like I am watching someone else have the experience...participating in it I know but not fully grasping it but rather watch and listening and knowing it is occurring but not REALLY knowing it is occurring cuz of the watching of it.

I had another conversation with Doug about his new job in the ICU.  I had several conversations already with him that brought on the PTSD some. But over the past few days I had felt like I was getting a good handle on his new job and the fact that he was where he was and Jeff's death was years ago. And I am surviving Jeff's death and sharing with him his new work world in the Intensive Care Unit. Plus, it isn't a PICU...so that's good at least.

And he calls to tell me about his having "pronounced" someone for the first time.  And I ask him about it and he proceeds to tell me about the 37 year old young guy who had a brain bleed.  And he explains what it is and relates it to what Jeff's situation was...and what they did for the guy...and what they did for Jeff. And the conclusions has had drawn about Jeff's medical situation the night he died...

Then he goes and describes the organ donation people and the process that occurred there.

And I am sitting on my bed listening to him as I star straight ahead of me looking at the large picture of Jeff's face on a poster that his art class made for us.  It is a photo of Jeff's face the exact size of his face. And around it are comments that the art class wrote about Jeff and the things Jeff used to say in class or out of class to them.

And Doug is going on about the organ donation team and how they didn't show up when they should have and the situation that put him in as the provider.

And I am back to the worse day of my life.

Only I can't just observe it from arms length like I am doing of the conversation I am having with Doug at that time.

Cuz I already lived through it -- am living through it -- and the hurt is exactly the same as it was at the hospital...

I have indeed wrapped my head around Jeff's death -- now to do the same with Doug talking about Jeff's death...      

Been Gone Too Long

I am so happy Jeffer that I am back online.  Part of my disappearance was due to the craziness of life and part was due to the fact that I couldn't figure out how to continue to post.  Thank God I figured it out -- with a little help from a friend.

Doug started his job several weeks ago working at Lower Manhattan Hospital in the Critical Care Unit as a PA. I think -- no I know -- that his interest in both medicine and critical care came from his experience of your death. It is amazing how much you effected (or is it affected?) and continue to effect/affect so many people.

Your fund is going pretty well -- better than expected.  It is not the amount of money we have raised but rather the lives we get to touch by honoring you and running a regional lacrosse tournament, giving scholarships to and helping kids in the city and consoling bereaved parents and families.

This year for the first time ever -- Aunt Peggy, Linda, Cathy and Uncle Pretzel all came and worked at the tournament along with Aunt Ellen and Uncle Don.  It was incredible Jeff!  It was such a huge comfort having them at it and an incredible feeling sharing the experience with them. And because of that, the tournament this year was the best ever!  Some of the scholarship kids worked at the tournament so we could get to know them better and they could get to feel a part of a larger effort that is helping others. After interviewing myself and Jamichael and Desiree, the media produced a excellent clip of the event. Afterwords, the family stayed that night and the next morning. I truly felt blessed, Jeff.  I know you were looking down over it all and of course grinning and thinking "AND IT IS ALL TO CELEBRATE ME!".  You always were so humble, bud!  (HA! HA!)

One of the reasons I am writing now Jeff is that I need your help.  I am on the verge of making a major decision and I am scared.  I need lots of prayers and know that you are better connected than any one else (except maybe Mom and Dad). I am asking -- no I am begging -- that you help me out here.  I am at the crossroads.  I pray that I make the right decisions.  I know I must listen to my heart but what do you do if your heart is pulling you in different directions?  So as I near decision making time I am recalling the past -- that which we went through as a family -- your Dad leaving us.  I thought I was breaking. And that was nothing compared to your death. I remember feeling scared and unable to look ahead at all -- I remember feelings of doubt -- feelings of dread -- lacking of self-confidence and hope.  But with God's help and the help of family and friends I made it through those times. So I am asking, Jeff, that you continue to show me signs of your presence and continue to watch over me and guide me. I really really need it right now. I love you so much honey. More than a million universes.   Mom                

7th Annual

Just got finished with the 7th annual Jeff Milano-Johnson Memorial Lax Tourney.  It went very well. The weather today was exquisite -in the 70s/80s.  We had 32 teams.  Two ROCE6 teams. No arguments over the silent auction items. No arguments over ref calls. It was perfect - almost.  At one point there were a bunch of boys circling my brother who was posting the scores of the games  --maybe 10-15 of them. They were so pumped. It was great to see...until I realized that all of them were about the same age as Jeff was when he died.

I love the tournament. It helps me keep going. I love knowing that I helped bring that kind of joy into the lives of so many guys -- especially the kids in the city who have but one tourney a year to attend and this is it. It means a great deal to me to help kids in the city get to and thru college.  And the fund and the tournament and the scholarships --- those three are my life line...keeping me afloat since Jeffer died.

But it doesn't make the excruciating pain go away.  It just makes it more bearable.

I miss you so much Jeffer.   I love you more than a million universes --- more than infinity.

Looking forward to seeing you again.

Mom      

Sometimes

Six months since I last wrote. Another anniversary of Jeff's death has come and gone.  Similar to all the others, the anticipation was worse than the event itself. But the feelings associated with the anticipation brought be back to the week after April 11, 2007. Actually, NOTHING could bring me back to that week, thank God. But it brought me closer to the devastation of Jeff's death than other times of the year....

Tonight I am sitting working on the tournament again.  This morning I woke up and felt like vomiting due to the amount of things I had to get done and the little time between now and the tournament.  Silent auction vendors to visit; lacrosse balls to buy; teeshirts to order; scholarship ratings to go out to those reading the applications this year; volunteers for the day of; referees; website to finalize; logo to finalize; press release to get out before the event; work to be done with the Democrat and Chronicle re: the ad; work with Jim Garnham re: the schedule and the program.  And then there is the fact that John's mom had the audacity to die this week AND Sam asked me to go away with her and Doug the week before the tournament this year.  AND 3 people who were here last year helping aren't going to be here this year...

And I am thinking that 1) this has taken on a life of its own 2) the life it has taken on is not one that I want to continue.

When does this event become an obsession used to replace the pit in my stomach that exists when I think about my beautiful blue eyed boy?

I really need to focus on what it is that I want to be Jeff's legacy --how can I best incorporate that into my life.

I love the game of lacrosse and I really want to support its growth especially in the city.
I want to help other kids but I really would like to establish a relationship with the kids I help.
I want more relationships with the people I help or the organizations that help those people.      
I want more fun with the tournament and less work at it.
I don't need to seek PR. I am not running the Childrens Defense Fund.  I don't need to make thousands of dollars each year.
I also don't need to be growing the organization.

How to incorporate this....????????????????????/////

Jeff I need your help.

Twenty years, two years or two minutes...

I shared my poem last weekend with Kristan and Jody. Funny. Haven't shared any of them with anyone, but had to. "Then There's The Public". It goes into excruciating details about Jeff's death. Details I had forgotten about...like the fact that when his body was lying in the hospital bed at Strong his face had black face paint on it.
It was good I shared it with Kristan and Jody cuz they understand. The reality is as Kristan said - "It doesn't matter whether it was two minutes ago, two years ago, or twenty years ago that Jeff died. Sometimes it feels like it just happened." This is one of those times. 
Miss you so much, my love.
More than a million universes.
  

Just Sayin'

So here it is, Jeff, Wednesday, two days before your big day. And I have been incredibly busy since I last posted.  Finally figured out how to get thru April 11th without falling apart. You would be proud of me...I went to Arkee's school and I spoke in front of about 20 young males in their study hall. I was really nervous...felt like I hadn't spoken ever in front of a group before. Felt like I had nothing to say that any one of them would want to listen to.

But I learned so much about them by doing that. And I guess I learned about myself too. I learned why I am doing all that I am doing with your fund...and what I am trying to do with it.  I am trying to follow your lead in being open to everybody regardless of where they have been and where they are going. I am trying to show more of the type of kindness you showed kids who knew you.  And I am trying to bridge gaps where the gaps are so huge as to seem unbridgeable. So I talked to the guys about you and Shamar, and showed pictures of you from when you were little playing goalie for the Rattlers to when you were playing on varsity. I showed a video that the D and C had done about Shamar and his life and his death. And then I simply took Uncle Pretzel's advice and spoke from the heart. I told them that what I had learned from you and from Shamar's death was that it didn't matter whether or not I lived in Pittsford or my skin was white or I was older or I was a woman and they weren't. What really mattered was that they and I were more alike than different. And that when push came to shove we were just all trying to live the life we were giving and helping each other out was the best we could do for one another.  And finally, 6 years after you died Jeffer, what you have been trying to teach me all of this time made sense. Life is as simple as that.

The guys asked all kinds of questions --what did you die from? did we know about this when you were a baby? could it have been prevented? did you and Doug ever fight? They said it was clear because you and Doug were standing close to one another in all of the pictures that the two of you got along very well. (Ha! Ha!)  They asked me if I cried and why I wasn't crying then. One of the guys pulled open his shirt and showed me that he was wearing a JMJ tourney teeshirt with the same silhouette on it of you that was in one of the photos.  Jeff, it was the best thing I have ever done on the anniversary of your death. At the end they even asked me if I was going to the game they were scheduled to be watching that afternoon and their first game scheduled for the following Monday. And I asked when it was and of course told them I would have to go...which I did. One of them even referred to me to their mom later - I am told - as Ms. Mary Jane.

So all of that is good. And the tournament this year was really really good. You would have loved it- actually I know you did love it...watching it from above and knowing we were all together to honor you. Yes, Jeffer, you have finally "arrived" as they say, in this world. Arkee's 7/8 grade team from ROCE6 played their first ever tournament there -- wrapping up their first season ever. And even though most of the guys had never even held a stick prior to the fall of last year -- they scored against a number of teams they played against. And they had fun.    That was the best, Jeff. They had fun. And all this was how we remembered you this year and I know you were watching it all and I know you were even routing for Arkee's team to beat those other teams they were playing.  So, it was all good.

On Saturday, we are having another fundraiser for Rochester Kids. Hope you don't mind that we kind of are renaming your fund.  I think you are beyond being upset about something like this - actually I KNOW that you are...given where you are.  But thought I would just mention it cuz it is on my mind.

I think the fundraiser at the four local Distillery restaurants on Saturday is going to turn out well for Rochester Kids. I think it is going to translate into more scholarships and more one on one support for not just graduates of the city high schools, but elementary kids as well. And I know that you like all that is happening.  And I am so happy about it all and feel so blessed that so very many people are helping us create this in your memory...

But I still hate that your 21st birthday is this Friday...and you won't be here and I won't be taking you out for your first legitimate alcoholic beverage. I would cut open my heart for one chance to see you -- and give my life for one more chance to hug you...what I would do to hear your voice, my love.
I love you so much sweetie. My love will never end.

On my white board in the front room, where I do all of the work on the tourney and fund, is a note I wrote to myself last year. It is such an inspiration to me and it reminds me so much of you. It reads, "A mother 's love will move mountains. I am a mother. I will move mountains."

Thanks for being with me Jeff. I love you so much...more than a million universes...more than infinity... Remember that? I know you do.

So --

Just sayin'.