tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58690970971150666732012-01-15T19:03:12.613-08:00Blog written by a mother of two young men, one of whom died suddenly at age 14 on the lacrosse fieldMomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comBlogger821100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-15403073913258986772012-01-15T18:06:00.000-08:002012-01-15T19:03:12.623-08:00

My friend Linda died tonight at 5:40 p.m. I guess I thought I was an expert on these things - death that is - but I am not. I am completely at a loss. Linda's death is the first of a friend/family member since Jeff died. In reality, I just don't know how to feel. I have known Linda since about 1995. I was working with her when I was married and Jim had his seizure -- she was one of about 20

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-32051021146318073262011-12-26T06:37:00.000-08:002011-12-26T07:00:32.678-08:00

Started reading "Learning to Dance in the Rain" which my brother John gave me for Christmas last night and it inspired me to publish old posts I hadn't yet published (because of kinks in the system) and to start writing again. The book came out Dec. 11th and is written by parents of a young girl who at the age of 21 died in a car crash. It is about life after death. Reading that in the cover I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-67833171053168043452011-11-28T09:01:00.000-08:002011-12-26T06:37:40.178-08:00

So he got through the surgery, got through the teeth being extracted, got through the possibility of the eye being sewn shut, got through the hearing test, go through making another mask for his face and got through the anxiety of postponement after postponement for everything to start. In between were what -- at least five visits a week of prep and more prep. To today. Today it started. Went

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-5992913970247158052011-10-16T18:20:00.000-07:002011-12-26T06:36:55.864-08:00

No knowing is so hard. John's surgery was more invasive than we originally thought. So there is an incision the length of his nose - necessary to take his tumour out...and there is one across the bottom of his eye -- under his lower eye lash...necessary to insert a mesh "sling" below his eye socket to support it. The eye socket was weakened by the cancerous tumor. To me, the scar isn't as bad as

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-86981852374159098492011-10-10T06:46:00.001-07:002011-10-10T06:46:59.797-07:00

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-66104366293306578562011-09-30T04:33:00.001-07:002011-10-10T06:48:04.153-07:00

Last night John and I took a walk with our cell phones. It has been the second time in a week that we have done that. Sad, that this event alone is bloggable...but it has come to that. Since our cell phones are virtually attached to our hips, going anyplace, including going on walks, hikes, etc. without them, is news.Last week, we found out that John has cancer of the nasal passages. First time I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-78714310492881822592011-03-11T16:45:00.000-08:002011-03-11T18:17:55.072-08:00

What is life like after the unfathomable has happened to you? It's March 11th and being home along I decided to read my Christmas cards. Several years ago, before Jeff died, I started reading my Christmas cards after Christmas. December is so nuts with work and shopping and such. I am constantly stressed most of the time and I found myself reading my Christmas cards and notes very quickly at the

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-21413017579859733692010-12-16T13:11:00.000-08:002010-12-16T13:26:24.541-08:00

When Mom first died, I had a difficult time celebrating Christmas...as I always thought of her around Christmas time. Mom went nuts over Christmas -- the decorations came out right after Thanksgiving --those little wreaths on the window, and the single candles...and the little do dads -- and the santa night light -- and the big bell hung up in the hallway with the mistletoe on it. I stopped

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-62995779921199968912010-11-24T17:07:00.001-08:002010-11-24T18:19:18.711-08:00

Right now, I feel like vomiting. Maybe I am not supposed to blog it or admit it, but the truth is that that is the way I feel. My niece and her boyfriend and my nephew (all in their late 20's) just went out with Doug to a bar or two. Sorry, but the truth is that 2 out of 3 of them in my opinion drink too much. So they sit in the kitchen with the adults having a beer before they go out and I am so

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-2932378735606335152010-09-15T15:20:00.000-07:002010-09-15T16:02:37.126-07:00

It is Fall.I finally realized why it is that I am so effected by the change in seasons. It is because with the change of every season comes the realization that my life goes on without my beautiful blue eyed boy Jeff. And that realization, if it sticks with me for too long, will make me crazy.I am flooded with memories. I see the kindergartners taking that huge step onto the bus and I remember

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-28018075614808693262010-06-28T19:28:00.000-07:002010-06-28T19:43:52.039-07:00

So here it is ...It is June 28...and I have made it two days past June 26th...the day that Jeff would have graduated from high school.And I know that Lauren made a terrific speech about him (she read it to me) at graduation. And they left a chair open for him. And I knew that there was a really nice picture of Jeff up on the screen while she was talking(because they asked me to send one) and I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-40830135011150235322010-06-14T19:38:00.000-07:002010-06-14T19:57:13.204-07:00

Today would have been Jeff's 18th birthday. I thought on and off today of Jeff's birth day. Jeff was born at 11:30 p.m. at night -- the Chicago Bulls were playing in the playoffs. When Doug was born I had back labor and ended up having an epidural. When Jeff was born there was a point when I yelled to the midwife "Ok, I am ready for the drugs" and unfortunately it was too late for them. A couple

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-90444791948258050302010-05-12T15:49:00.000-07:002010-05-12T16:13:00.610-07:00

This year in lots of respects is the hardest. I am told that it is because of it being Jeff's senior year -- well what should have been his senior year. And all I can see around me and hear around me are the plans of other kids - his friends. And I am happy that most of them seem to have a good head on their shoulders and are proceeding in life as we would hope that they would. But I feel so

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-81846020035405490622010-04-10T15:53:00.000-07:002010-04-10T15:58:24.085-07:00

As I come up to the 3rd year anniversary of Jeff's death I am thinking about so much. Mostly - how Jeff's death will never ever feel real to me. Next - is how angry I am about the fact that Jeff died. I would do anything to touch him - I would do anything to see him smile - to hear his laugh - to hear him taunting his brother. It is so awful - this whole thing. It should have been me -- and I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-14087414087431573332010-01-25T20:54:00.001-08:002010-01-25T22:51:46.429-08:00

They say it gets easier. "They" are definitely not other bereaved parents. Other bereaved parents would never dare say anything like that. Luckily for me, "they" are not any of my friends; if "they" once were, "they" would no longer be.What "they" might say, if they knew what they were talking about was this: There will be a time when you don't feel the pain every breathing nano-minute. There

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-81231176791982864442009-12-20T14:49:00.000-08:002009-12-20T15:31:01.982-08:00

It is the Sunday before Christmas and John is gone to Boston and Doug is at a friend's house. I sit here, with Cos by my side. We held the Third Annual Ceremony of Remembrance one week ago today. I worked on the event with Linda from The Compassionate Friends. It was held for Parents, Family, Siblings and Friends of Children who have Died. I did a lot more advertising about this year's ceremony.

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-43976241454410953962009-12-10T15:32:00.000-08:002009-12-10T16:03:50.555-08:00

I have incredibly wonderful memories of my mom in the snow. I don't know whether she really loved being out there with us kids or not, but if she didn't she put on a good show. She took us sledding a lot, and she pulled us around on sleds a lot. The grocery store was right down the street from where our house was so she would often take a sled and go down there and get a bag of groceries and sled

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-85295794512283918772009-11-29T17:06:00.000-08:002009-11-29T17:32:08.149-08:00

You are the ONLY PERSON who knows what makes you feel better or worse at times - so you are the only person you have to listen to. Don't do anything only because you think you should or you think someone will be disappointed if you don't. Completely avoid certain situations that will make you feel worse -- you know what these are. (they differ for each of us). Pace yourself. Get lots of rest.

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-49995284558569560162009-11-29T16:12:00.000-08:002009-11-29T17:06:11.340-08:00

This Thanksgiving holiday was the first for me that was excruciatingly painful. It wasn't continuously like that -- which is good. But the unbearable nature of the pain came as quite a shock. I don't know why. Howard's reaction right after Jeff died was to say to me "I would be so incredibly angry, if I were you." I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I thought it an odd first

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-27005260530888606352009-11-08T18:19:00.000-08:002009-11-08T18:43:22.004-08:00

I am so blessed having John in my life. Last week, at church, was hard. It was "all soul's day" and there was much conversation about the saints, with a small "s", who had "gone before us". Of course I thought of Jeff the entire time and I thought of the funeral and I could recall like it was yesterday seeing all of those people there in support of my beautiful blue eyed boy. Thinking of him as a

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-10357555838713172292009-11-08T18:00:00.000-08:002009-11-08T18:19:05.257-08:00

Tammie Quest, MD, came into town a couple of weeks ago. Tammie is an Emergency Room physician who teaches about how to notify survivors of a sudden death. The MDs who told us that Jeff had died never did. They, no "he" was actually awful. He showed us on a monitor the results of the MRI, a picture of Jeff's brain, and where he was bleeding and used all of this medical jargon to explain what was

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-72902753938753537172009-10-07T19:26:00.000-07:002009-10-07T20:05:49.477-07:00

I went to Jeff's gravesite again today. The foundation had been laid for his tombstone. Never knew about the process -- never had to. Well first they dig a big hole about maybe 6 ft deep -- about 2 1/2 feet long by a foot wide. They have a rectangular wooden frame the same length and width of the top of the hole and about two inches deep. They put the frame on the top of the whole and pour the

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-26219483921976096542009-09-27T18:37:00.001-07:002009-09-27T18:50:17.512-07:00

Went to the grave site today. Last weekend I had spoken to Lauren about getting the tombstone for Jeff's grave. Both she and Doug liked current thoughts about what to put on it. Awhile back, Lauren had planted a beautiful day lily at the cemetery -- although last year it didn't come in nicely, this year it was just gorgeous to look at and I loved seeing it each time I went to the cemetery. Mary

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-66784168806392661882009-09-19T09:27:00.000-07:002009-09-19T09:30:07.098-07:00

Last weekend,John and I went and purchased the tombstone for Jeff's grave. For a number of reasons, we had to delay doing this. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-80489717431114143052009-09-09T13:18:00.000-07:002009-09-09T13:36:50.078-07:00

Dear JeffYesterday would have been the first day of your Senior year. I thought that I would go away for a long weekend so as to avoid the hurt associated with the first day of school -- I thought wrong. Don't get me wrong -- I had a great vacation -- 4 nights Jon and I were away -- (notice the spelling) and it was great. We spent it in a cabin overlooking Seneca Lake. It was a gorgous weekend -

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-39357031391441460632009-08-15T18:56:00.000-07:002009-08-19T09:31:28.732-07:00

I have felt a surge of energy recently. I think it has to do with a number of things, not the least of which is the fact that the "bad months" of April (the anniversary of Jeff's death), May (mother's day) and June (Jeff's birthday) -- are behind me. I finally had a "nice dream" about Jeff. I had a number of nightmares about Jeff right after he died...and then I wished for some good dreams ...but

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-87969798657247020912009-07-27T19:05:00.000-07:002009-07-27T19:25:18.143-07:00

Saturday, two days ago, Dave, Johns 21 year old son, was taken to the emergency room. Dave had had an operation several days before that - a scheduled operation for hip surgery havent had a congenital malformation discovered a number of months ago. He was missing some bone in the knob at the top of the femur where it connects with the hip and needed to have a bone graft to strengthen the area so

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-30040090450616089012009-07-21T14:37:00.000-07:002009-07-27T19:05:40.820-07:00

I have finally figured out that although Christmas time is no picnic, it pales in comparison to the Spring months. They are the worse. April 11 with the anniversary of Jeff's death; Mother's Day in May culminating with Jeff's birthday June 14th.BUT It is finally July, mid-July actually, and I am beginning to get my energy back.I didn't write about the tournament this year and I want to. It was

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-52992540651257336652009-06-14T18:52:00.000-07:002009-06-14T19:07:23.379-07:00

Today is Jeff's birthday. Jeff would have been 17 today. This is THE most difficult day of all the very difficult days. Doug says it is the same as every day without Jeff. Not so for me. My heart hurts so much.I understand why people do what they do when they are depressed - and in pain - I understand how easy it would be to drink your way into oblivion. When you are overcome with pain you zero

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-1929228446215870052009-05-28T12:26:00.000-07:002009-05-28T12:42:49.037-07:00

Today I spoke with the boss of the athletic trainer, the true first responder to Jeff when he collapsed. I had spoken to the EMTs several months after Jeff died and had wanted to find the trainer who I was told responded to him first...but I wasn't able to find his name until recently. I have been having increasing concerns about Jeff being in pain when he was dying and they were beginning to

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-15533255398761491772009-05-12T10:57:00.000-07:002009-05-12T11:05:26.472-07:00

We bereaved parents are told about a number of things we can do to prepare for the tough days. Light a candle, say a prayer, call someone and talk to them, read a poem, visit the cemetary, visit one of their friends, the list goes on. What we aren't told is that you can do some of these things or even all of these things -- and you can get passed "the day" -- and maybe one or two more "tough

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-15237691050696965852009-04-21T11:44:00.000-07:002009-04-21T12:02:51.347-07:00

As I entitle this new entry, it dawns on me that the proudest thing a bereaved parent or THIS bereaved parent can say following the death of her child is "I survived".Most recently, I survived the week leading up to and the week following April 11th -- the 2nd Anniversary of Jeff's death.These last few weeks have been incredibly difficult. I had many flashbacks of the week before and the day of

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-25653170312868364322009-04-02T16:44:00.000-07:002009-04-02T17:11:35.295-07:00

March 26th was the first Pittsford Lacrosse Varsity Game of the year.The Varsity Team - the one Jeff should be on -- played at St. John Fisher and I had decided to have a small fundraiser there for Jeff's fund. John, Elaine, Linda and I hung out beside small card tables with signs of Jeff and a poster board talking about both the fund AND the upcoming JV lacrosse tournament we will be holding in

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-42280918438303199452009-02-27T09:52:00.000-08:002009-03-05T17:51:01.903-08:00

I decided the last day I saw Ron, on February 13, that I wanted to start a "Shawl Ministry" as they call it. And I decided I had to write here about the story of the shawls.After Jeff died, I received two prayer shawls - a white one and a dark green one. I wore the green one a lot that summer and I felt Jeff's arms around me in his infamous bear hug whenever I wore it. It was an unbelievable

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-22629411027500828772009-02-12T12:11:00.000-08:002009-02-12T12:25:56.754-08:00

A few hours ago, I learned that a colleague of mine was just admitted to the hospice program. Ron is a wonderfully tall teddy bear of a man -- I have only know him a year and since I only work part-time here I haven't had a lot of interaction with him. But I am quite fond of him. Over the past year, he has always said hi to me in passing. He frequently came into my office to chat. Since I hate

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-51455979933451940192009-01-15T17:44:00.001-08:002009-01-15T17:44:41.891-08:00

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-66359930890319758142009-01-14T18:46:00.000-08:002009-01-14T19:09:03.442-08:00

Lauren just called me. I hadn't seen her in awhile and I was a bit surprised. The last time I saw her was frustrating - I had gone over to visit her while she was babysitting and I returned feeling quite depressed. I realized then that I wanted her to be Jeff and give me what Jeff gave me and she never would. No one would for that matter and for some reason this realization struck me hard.Lauren

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-34445112978855190322008-12-30T18:00:00.000-08:002008-12-30T18:17:20.283-08:00

This is an incredibly beautiful song. It is called Held by Natalie Grant. It was sent to me on a CD that my niece made for me which she labeled "Songs for grieving". It was the first song on it and I have played it so very many times. The words touch anyone who has experienced the death of a child. Thank you, Christina. I don't think people realize have even the little things they do or say can

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-39669529121895851212008-12-30T17:39:00.001-08:002008-12-30T17:52:00.951-08:00

What a roller coaster of a ride this month has been. I am so pleased that it is finally coming to an end. Christmas was okay...meaning that we plowed through it again. John and Doug and Dave and Britt and I had were together for brunch which was fun.We went to the movies together to see "Marley and Me". When I heard about three months ago that this was coming out on Christmas Day I had to smile.

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-10795717087347662022008-12-20T14:13:00.000-08:002008-12-20T14:27:13.896-08:00

So what do you do when you sit down with your remaining son and he tells you that he hates it in the house because it is just him there? What do you do when he tells you that he hates it where you live? What do you do if you go to mention the importance of him being home to be with his family and you wonder if any one uses the word "family" to mean just two people -- don't you need 3 people to

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-24544716521729358792008-12-17T19:07:00.000-08:002008-12-17T19:44:57.259-08:00

I started filling "agita" as my Nana used to say in September when I noticed that they had already gotten out the Christmas stuff at Wegmans. How could I make it through another Christmas without Jeff? Thank God I still see my psychologist friend Helen who told me way back then that my assignment was to force myself to live each day for that day itself, not for the day afterwords, or the holiday

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-34140621597030722592008-11-16T18:55:00.000-08:002008-11-16T19:15:32.437-08:00

This weekend has been incredible. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster at Darien Lake. Friday night was difficult given my experience with Nancy, my boss, that day. Saturday was good -- got done a lot. Felt on a even keel. I talked to Jody today. It still amazes me that she continues to survive the suicide death of her only son. Both she and her husband are workaholics. Maybe that is the key to

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-21831930834932770772008-11-14T15:32:00.000-08:002008-11-14T15:35:45.566-08:00

My boss' daughter got good news today. The biopsy of the lump in her breast came out negative. My boss said she is going to pray more often since her prayers worked..... My experiences have been different than that. I prayed a lot after Jeff's "accident" and before we were told he died... I want to write about the scare. For some reason, it seems important for me to remember as many of the

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-4456244177850893332008-10-25T14:05:00.000-07:002008-10-25T14:20:02.773-07:00

There are simply no words to describe the anger that I am feeling today about the fact that my son Jeff died on April 11, 2007. We have yet to purchase the tombstone for Jeff's gravesite. We have yet to purchase the tombstone for Jeff's gravesite.We have yet to purchase the tombstone for Jeff's gravesite. We have yet to purchase the tombstone for Jeff's gravesite. Jeff's gravesite.Jeff's

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-55429753805099576772008-10-18T14:32:00.000-07:002008-10-18T14:35:32.770-07:00

They say that at some point the happy memories don't hurt. I have a hard time believing that. For every happy memory I have of Jeff, is followed by the stark realization that Jeff is dead. Britt, John's daughter, was home this weekend. And I loved seeing her. But after I hugged her goodbye I couldn't help but feel this profound sense of sadness. She hugs tightly which is great - Jeff hugged

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-71827545203700516052008-10-07T10:15:00.000-07:002008-10-07T11:04:50.959-07:00

I don't quite know how to start this one.These weeks have been incredibly hard again. And unlike last year at this time, I feel it is quite hard to talk about my feelings with other people as it can't help but feel, to them, that my grief, "is getting old".For me, more than Spring or January 1, Fall signifies the beginning of the new year. It starts with the people at work --who have high school

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-1562637129097585802008-09-21T12:40:00.000-07:002008-09-21T13:00:56.358-07:00

Last weekend, I went to the Adirondacks to climb a mountain with Peggy, 'Laine, Laurie and of course Cos. It was great - I hadn't climbed a mountain since Jeff died and I had forgotten that awesome feeling you get when thoroughly exhausted and drenched from your sweat, you reach the top and can see clearly heaven on earth. As I was driving back to Rochester on Sunday, my mind drifted some and I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-51610952885554336432008-09-09T18:33:00.001-07:002008-09-09T19:09:14.235-07:00

Today is Sept. 9. The public schools started last week and for a second year in a row I am supposed to have a son who is starting and he isn't. The summer wasn't bad really. Doug was home and I loved having him home -- except when I didn't -- which was likely the same time that he didn't like being home as well!The last half of July and most of August made me realize how brutal Spring was as was

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-65647498091323115912008-07-15T20:19:00.000-07:002008-07-15T20:43:26.814-07:00

As I was driving home Friday from work, I stopped at a stop light. It was about 5:00 p.m. and as I waited for the light to change I thought of two things. First, I thought "I wonder what Doug is doing right now?" Secondly I thought "I wonder what Jeff is doing now?" It has been 15 months since Jeff died. It still shocks me when I write those two words together "Jeff died". I finished writing

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-25898296677624955952008-07-04T12:21:00.000-07:002008-07-04T12:38:51.622-07:00

Today is the first holiday since Jeff has been dead that Doug and I will "celebrate" just the two of us. John has gone with his kids to visit his Mom -- in Boston. My heart aches for Jeff. The belts are gone... For years, there have been 3 belts from karate (Tia kuan do?? sp) in the tree in my front yard. I asked the boys to take them down, they never did. Kind of grew used to them. Jeff in

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-13148406959421051062008-06-17T17:08:00.000-07:002008-06-17T17:39:31.720-07:00

Three days -- three days most is what most of our employers give us for bereavement days for immediate family. Three days is what I am allowed to take off to grieve my 14 year old son's death. 20 visits to a psychologist from the beginning of the first day of seeing her 'til a year from them. That is what our HMOs allow us to have regardless of our particular problem. I simply could never have

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-68515556808729043692008-06-01T16:41:00.000-07:002008-06-17T17:07:53.035-07:00

I continue to struggle with my uncontrollable worry over Doug...how does a young man of his age integrate such a horrific event into his life? how does he manage without it destroying him?I used to feel, last year at this time, that Doug simply "wasn't doing it" the way he was supposed to. What I mean is that I used to think Doug was grieving in the wrong way because he wasn't grieving like I was

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-25473367725104581092008-06-01T16:24:00.000-07:002008-06-01T16:41:17.881-07:00

The first Jeff Milano-Johnson JV Lacrosse Tournament was yesterday. Someone asked me -- was it a success? I didn't know how to answer.16 teams were there - 10 boys and 6 girls - it didn't rain (I was never worried) -- we have a raffle -- we had a silent auction -- we (actually it was the Pittsford Football Booster Club) sold food from 7:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. The event could not have happened with

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-86809746453407114392008-05-30T15:19:00.000-07:002008-05-30T15:34:37.090-07:00

Tomorrow is the JV Tournament that we are having in Jeff's memory. It has been wonderful working on it mostly because it has distracted me from the ache in my heart going through a complete lacrosse season without Jeff. Jeff is on my mind constantly. I survived Mother's Day and that day and the week before and the week after was hell. But lacrosse season in many ways is much harder than Mother's

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-24407764144903203322008-04-17T19:31:00.000-07:002008-04-17T19:58:16.861-07:00

They say it isn't as bad -- the actually days that you dread -- that the anticipation is worse than the actually day. For me at least, this was not the case in terms of April 11th. I couldn't help but replay April 11, 2007 -- and although I felt the pain of Jeff's death much more severely than ever before -- I continued -- no I continue -- to feel this all is unreal. Part of me believes that

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-77011614940225516262008-04-09T16:57:00.000-07:002008-04-09T17:10:09.420-07:00

It is funny -- there are so many things you do in life that you think are hard. I remember the first time that I spoke in front of an audience at a conference -- I stayed up the night before I had to do it. I had to go to the bathroom a million times in the hour before I had to do it. And I got up there and stumbled through most of my presentation....It was awful. I was completely humilitated.I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-48188991760972696342008-04-08T16:07:00.000-07:002008-04-08T16:40:02.991-07:00

It is April 8th -- last year Easter was on April 8th. Easter was three days before Jeff died.Sunny days are the hardest -- as Jim said in his blog. Jeff epitomized a sunny day. Always cheerful and I mean ALWAYS. I can count on one hand the number of times he wasn't in a good mood and for these few times he managed to be in a bad mood for a nanosecond before returning to his normal state of

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-12540655160239258172008-03-23T15:01:00.000-07:002008-03-23T15:17:09.446-07:00

Since December -- I have learned that it is almost impossible for me to maintain a blog about Jeff. Mostly because I feel like I should be "up" when I write publically and when I feel like writing, I am usually far from being up. I have survived a winter without Jeff -- as I write this I feel alternately good and bad...proud and ashamed. That I have survived -- what does that say about me? about

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-50502781568712570962007-12-22T15:06:00.000-08:002007-12-28T18:38:33.788-08:00

Dec. 21As we approach Christmas, the intensity of my sadness seems to be increasing as is my worry about Doug. All I keep thinking is that this just simply shouldn't be...it is not supposed to be happening this way...something is terribly wrong....Our world -my world and everyone else's world -- will never be safe again -- was it ever?? My son, my baby, died at the age of 14 on a lacrosse field

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-5313693438198031472007-12-22T12:33:00.000-08:002007-12-22T12:43:54.947-08:00

Someone just told me that they didn't know how to comment on something that they read in my blog -- so --- the way you comment is by clicking onto the word comments under the entry you want to comment about (if others have commented, the word "comment" will show the number of people who have commented) -- this will bring you to a screen -- the right side of which will say -- leave a comment and

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-20572959021356996652007-12-17T19:33:00.000-08:002007-12-17T19:48:09.325-08:00

I think the only reason why I am writing this is just to see something in print about Jeff. I love the pictures of him and I love the title. Originally I started it because I wanted it to function as a facebook type of thing where people could go in and post comments about Jeff or even speak to Jeff on one sight. Maybe an adult version of James Purpuro facebook group entitled in Jeff's memory.

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-80544306621569477722007-12-02T19:19:00.000-08:002007-12-02T19:38:03.491-08:00

One of my mother's favorite sayings when I was growing up was "God works in miraculous ways." I was reminded of that this evening; I was also reminded of my last written message to Jeff -- one on the side of his casket -- pleading for "big signs, very big signs, because my eyesight is failing, that you are ok and with me." After months of wanting to speak to Joan Patterson, I finally got her

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-13355960280102933472007-11-29T19:13:00.000-08:002007-11-29T19:41:04.077-08:00

Tonite I got a phone call from Maureen. I don't know Maureen. She called from the Donor Network. (I know that I am supposed to feel happy that we donated Jeff's organs- but I don't feel much of anything. To be truthful, I don't like the thought of Jeff's organs being divied up by people I don't know, in an operating room, at Strong---- in fact, I find it disturbing really. I suspect I may feel

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-54611877025272895272007-11-23T19:26:00.001-08:002007-11-29T19:13:28.832-08:00

So we went to Aunt Ellen's, Doug and I, for Thanksgiving dinner. And when we drove there, I kept on thinking about how many times when Doug was sleeping in the car on our trips to Massachusetts, that I would put my hand behind the seat, just to hold Jeff's. I started doing it when Jeffie was little. It was my way of making sure he was ok since I couldn't really see him. So I would tell him to

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-26226305828018821402007-11-15T19:35:00.000-08:002007-11-15T19:51:50.908-08:00

How do you fit into your understanding of life the death of your son? I sent an email to an old friend of mine yesterday who hadn't heard of Jeff's death. It was the first time since the week after Jeff died that I had to type those words "my son Jeff died". There is something about seeing those words in print that makes me shudder. Then there is a sense of the unreal still. My friend Jody whose

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-15806319474986325502007-11-08T16:40:00.000-08:002007-11-08T17:48:28.786-08:00

The past week and a half have been especially difficult.The start of the "holiday season" HalloweenHalloween came and went without Jeff. I love Halloween. So did Jeff. Several years ago, when Jeff was of age to go alone with Austin and friends - but us parents all knew that it was highly likely that they would get into trouble if they did this -- I volunteered to go with them...crazy woman that I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-61411918632030971842007-10-20T12:05:00.000-07:002007-10-20T12:38:16.939-07:00

October 11th was the six month anniversary of Jeff's death. It continues to be impossible at times for me to believe that Jeff is dead. I feel like I should be able to talk about begining to be at peace with Jeff's death, but I don't see that ever happening. I have been told too frequently these days that with time things will improve. Would you tell this to a women who had her leg amputated? I

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-59456165233836968682007-09-25T19:36:00.000-07:002007-09-25T20:13:59.618-07:00

Ok- so I haven't quite figured out this blog thing. But I think it will get easier once I spend some time trying to figure out how to work it.I NEED MORE STORIES!! I really really really feel the need for more Jeff stories -- as these are the only memories I have of him and I really do crave Jeff's presence in whatever way I can get it.I was thinking about taping his friends -- maybe having a

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-63860810194765506812007-09-11T15:12:00.000-07:002007-09-11T15:20:20.551-07:00

I am reading an article in tonite's newspaper about Kevin Everett, the Buffalo Bills player who was seriously injured in the weekend Bill's game. He may never be able to walk. The article reads "For anyone who was there, it will be a scene forever burned in their memory: The sight of Everett's body lying motionless on the field, the medical personnel huddled around hm and -- before he was

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-45262955217717163602007-09-05T14:56:00.001-07:002007-09-05T15:49:28.864-07:00

Today is the first day of school for Sutherland High School...Jeff, if he were alive, would be a sophomore.....I miss him so. I spoke with some of Jeff's friends over the past couple of days - I feel connected to Jeff when I speak to them. I am so lucky to continue to have them in my life. The most amazing thing recently happened - John and I moved Doug into his dorm at Nazareth. Doug is in

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-54923436710613260032007-08-21T19:50:00.000-07:002007-08-21T20:11:52.438-07:00

The past three weeks have been horrific. The pain I am now feeling as the school year begins and I have noone to bring for school supplies the first day of sophomore year-- added to the bittersweet feelings of Doug going to college on Thursday --feels totally incapacitating. I want to roll up into a ball and just stay like that the rest of my life. And it is precisely at this point when I am

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-30520023528766997562007-08-12T16:55:00.000-07:002007-08-12T17:41:57.366-07:00

I found a couple of good ways to feel Jeff's presence. First and foremost, I got a tattoo. I thought about getting a tattoo about 10 years ago - but never acted on it. After Jeff died, I checked out a tattoo artist for the team - when they were going to get one in Jeff's memory. And while I was doing that, I decided that I wanted to get one. Not one like the guys were thinking, but one just for

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-25058300455878964872007-07-16T16:01:00.000-07:002007-07-16T16:25:06.302-07:00

I feel compelled to write something upbeat for this blog as I was the one who got up in front of all of those people at Jeff's funeral pronouncing my strong belief in God and in Jeff's spirit or soul among us. I simply don't feel upbeat. About my beliefs, I don't feel any different than I did that Tuesday after Jeff died, when I stood up in front of all those people proclaiming my beliefs. It is

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-21054619383156802232007-07-12T04:19:00.001-07:002007-07-12T04:24:43.513-07:00

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-18287577011037853112007-07-11T20:11:00.000-07:002007-07-12T15:02:28.901-07:00

Feel like I am on a mammouth roller coaster - the dips are so low that they go underground. The July 4th holiday - Didn't go to the Adirondacks as planned as it rained. Had the pleasure of having brunch with Jeff's long time/closest friend, Lauren. A good friend of mine whose son died 6 years ago told me that one of the ways she keeps in touch with him is by being with his friends. I find so

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-67551395373076393232007-07-04T16:55:00.000-07:002007-07-04T16:59:47.774-07:00

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-57464597685567537912007-07-03T17:53:00.000-07:002007-07-11T19:53:06.702-07:00

Walking Cosby tonite and talking with my girl friend about college and our sons next year. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have Doug going to Nazareth. I talked to Jeff after Doug had made the decision to go to Naz and I asked him what he thought about it. We had talked before -- Jeff and I -- about how much we were going to miss Doug when he went away to school. With the news of

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-16292379260020400842007-07-02T16:29:00.001-07:002007-07-02T16:29:55.374-07:00

Please, please, tell me your stories about Jeff.I miss him so, tonite.I need your help.Mom

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-43180376514264846392007-07-02T16:25:00.000-07:002007-07-02T16:26:20.066-07:00

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-36403234964592600152007-07-02T16:10:00.000-07:002007-07-02T16:28:46.785-07:00

Doug and Kate have gone to California. John is out and it is very very quiet here and I am hating the quietness. I keep thinking about those 5 girls in Fairport who died in that awful car crash and then I think about Jeff and think "Shouldn't I be thankful that he didn't die that way?" But the reality is -- i still can't believe that he is dead and i hate that he is. Sometimes I can see Jeff

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-66546007251940973392007-06-20T03:44:00.000-07:002007-06-20T10:06:05.689-07:00

I want to talk about Jeff's 15th birthday. It was last Thursday. I am blessed with many friends and one of them, the Rochester friend I have known the longest is Betty. Betty came to visit me last week because it was Jeff's birthday. I took a hike --just Cosby and I -- the morning of Jeff's birthday. Then hung around home visiting with Betty. I kept on thinking about Jeff all day and what we

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5869097097115066673.post-77711339325762761412007-06-17T05:14:00.000-07:002007-06-17T07:07:47.559-07:00

My son, Jeff Milano-Johnson, died at age 14 on April 11, 2007. This past Thursday, June 14, would have been his 15th birthday. Jeff died of an aneurysm that burst while he was warming up for a Pittsford Varsity Lacrosse game against Spencerport (NY). Jeff had a passion for: life; his big brother Doug, who was his lifelong best friend; lacrosse; waffles and pancakes; world of warcraft; Cosby, his

Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04906712440192778619noreply@blogger.com